We spend all of our lives on a ledge. As life thrusts things at us, sometimes we’re pushed off.
I got the bottle of valium the mental health center had prescribed me and poured them out onto the kitchen table. Then I started crushing them. When I was finished, I put the bottle of valium, and a gun, into my jacket pocket.
It was raining as I got on my motorcycle. The rain mixed with my tears as I drove.
When I got to the pediatric intensive care unit, I sat with Joy, holding her and singing softly to her for 2 hours, and then I opened her feeding tube, poured the bottle of crushed valium into it, and recapped the tube. I walked up to the first nurse I saw, I pulled out my gun and I told her ‘You are going to help me end Joy’s suffering or I will kill you.
And at that moment I would have.
She went and stood with me at Joy’s bedside as I waited for my daughter to die. I asked her if there was a God. She told me she didn’t know. I told the nurse to go and call the police.
As she walked away I told my little girl, “I love you so much. It won’t hurt any more, it’s over.”
I killed my daughter.
I remember it.
I remember a guy running over with a crash cart and I was up. “Don’t touch her, leave her alone! Your not going to cut on her anymore. LEAVE HER ALONE!” I screamed. I might have been crazy. I was hysterical.
A nurse, The nurse from Joy’s bed? was there and told him to leave us alone.
I remember it, the way he looked at her.
She told him “There are other children here, leave them alone.’ And he did.
A security guard came running up. I knew him, I’d have coffee and talked with him through many nights. He put his arms out and I fell into them. My legs gave out again, and we both started crying. A policeman came and I was put in a police car.
I’m at the homicide office. I remember all this in flashes. Like a strobe light going off in my mind.
I wish I could turn it off.
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